oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
