Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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