i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
