I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
