put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we're so committed to being not committed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
