Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
