so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
