I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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