Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
