Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
