I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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