woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
