Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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