I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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