i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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