i wish starbucks made bloody marys
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
