i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
