Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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