College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
