my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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