I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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