We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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