I got chris browned last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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