tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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