I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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