The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
