Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
