I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
false alarm, still single
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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