i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
