Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
