so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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