My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
