pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
