just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
