There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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