She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
