So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
