Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
