my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
