I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
