If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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