Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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