It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
