I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you win again, gameday.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
