I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
