i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
