The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We need a shit load of segways right now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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