8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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