guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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