just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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