I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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