i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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