I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
