Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
