my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
