I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize