I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
