I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
being pregnant is like rehab
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
