saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
