I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
